Back Again

Back in The Cave and right on time. Ha. Oh dear Awakening blog, I have been thinking about you...

You know, I have a whole different outlook this winter. I know I'm cave-dwelling, but I'm not depressed at all. On the contrary, I'm happy and content as I could be. That means I've been ignoring the list of sanity completely. Which is dumb, but I guess it just doesn't seem pressing, since I feel fine. Yes, dumb. Because who knows how I'll feel after a few more weeks of this.


It's startling how quickly the cave opened up really. My work dried up, as it does this time of year... and the weather changed almost instantly. Boom! Cave.

So my big problem now is motivation. I have plenty of work projects to keep my busy through my down time... not paying gigs necessarily, but still important work that I have plenty of time to do. But I have zero enthusiasm for these projects, which is tripping me out a bit. I've been exercising and pumping myself full of caffeine, but no bueno. It's like pulling teeth to get myself to do ANY responsible act right now. I even rush at the last minute to get the house cleaned up before my hubby gets home. So lame.

So I guess now the big thing is to somehow motivate myself before I get depressed at my lack of ambition... and thus at the end of the winter, my lack of action for months. Just like every year at this time.

Man, it's hard to be me.

Midwest Healing Attack

So, I'd like to follow up on that post about dealing with old hurts from living in the midwest for a time. Things have progressed quite nicely. And, dare I say, cosmically.

Of course, I wrote that post in the midst of my angst (pretty obvious I suppose), since then I have mellowed out all the way about my brother's move. Once I figured out why I was so upset, I was able to chill. So I no longer cry or get sad at all about their move... in fact, many other things have happened since to force me to be nicer to that state and my memories of it.

First, as I may have mentioned before, at the same time my brother is driving a uhaul across 3 states to his new home, I too will be setting out for my own cross country adventure. Ending in the same state, where I will be vending at a craft fair there for the first time. I recently was able to add another venue to my visit, so now my few local friends and my brother's many, not to mention my Mom's friends and our relatives, are all promoting and talking about my visit and my craft business debut.

A few other random connections have happened as well... even my mother was impressed by the timing of these.

First, a writer from CNN was doing a story on Facebook and class reunions... does it help or hurt attendance. Funny, but when the article ran, my interview made up the first half of it. All about how I hated it there, ran back to CA at 18, and now live a happy arty life here. And most importantly, how Facebook forced me to remember the friends and good times I did have, many of which had been blocked out of my mind in favor of a general bad memory of the entire experience.

Then, one morning, I woke up to find a message from a pottery lady who works in the same state, saying she loves my handmade goods and I should stop by her studio on my way through this summer. How nice! I was flattered that she new about me and my trip at all... I started looking up her studio location, and on the front page of her website was my name! I had won her monthly drawing for a free piece of pottery. She hadn't mentioned that at all... hahaha. Later, someone from her studio contacted me for my mailing address. So, I'm not sure which came first, the winning or the noticing. Odd timing nonetheless.

Also, as I mentioned, during the time all this was happening... I connected with the group that does a weekly summer market in the same town. My mom suggested I check into it, and the info said the vendors are to be local. I happened to email them with my situation the day of their board meeting, so they would discuss it that night. Meanwhile, on facebook, I sent out messages to anyone I thought could put a good word in for me... and so did my brother. Not sure if they helped, but I was invited to participate in the end.



Now, these things are not earth shattering in themselves, but they all happened within a week of eachother. So you see how it might have felt a bit um... boogly. It's like the whole of the state is getting together to force me to heal.

It's working.

The Prophecy Fulfilled!

Yay!  How do I start this one without sounding like a nut? Bah, who knows... ok well it all started last October. I was at a little craft fair and there was a booth doing tarot & palm readings. I'm very interested in tarot and have my own deck, but rarely have I had my own cards read. Curious, I paid my $20 and sat down at a little card table with a soft spoken young lady.


I was a little leery, so I was careful to volunteer as little info as possible. In short, she blew me away. She honed right in on my key issues and I was pretty floored by the whole thing.

But, the one thing that has stuck in my mind since then, was the prediction that in about 5 months (that's now) something would happen to improve my $$ situation this year... a lot. Since then, I've been wondering how that might happen. Hoping, of course, that my business will really take off this year. But I had a feeling there would be some kind of windfall, though I couldn't guess where that might come from. I don't have any rich relatives. My father might come into some money from a settlement soon... but I have no reason to think he will share it.

In my pondering this over the months, I decided to pick a number to focus on. I have regularly visualized $8000 written in my checkbook ledger. I don't know why I picked that number, but it seemed not out of the realm of possibility.

Still, as the months have gone on... having been my work off-season, my finances continued to dwindle to nearly nothing. I still believed in this 'windfall' but it seemed even less touchable somehow, with not even a whiff of where this might come from...

Until yesterday.

I received a phone call from my mother. Even though all of her children are now adults, she feels the need to keep gifts even between the 3. She's always done this. If she kicks down something to one of us, such as tickets to Vegas for my little brother... the other two of us get Christmas gifts worth the same amount. Stuff like that.

Well, this particular occasion, she explained how she had decided to forgive my youngest brother's debt to her, as he has just bought a house. Then she decided to gift her car to my other brother when he goes to live with her. Apparently, the value of each of these gifts equals $7500... which I will receive in cash. Whaaa?? yes! Of course, I protested that it was too much and unnecessary. But she said the other gifts didn't cost her anything really, and thought we could use the cash for our upcoming wedding etc. Ok then... if that's what you want. Shock and awe.

Add to this the fact that I have almost exactly $500 in my bank account right now... and you see. The prophecy has been fulfilled.

And I can't even express the gratitude and blessings I feel right now.

There's a sign on the side of a barn near Laytonville, CA that always makes me smile... in giant black letters it says, "Don't forget the magic!"  Indeed.

How to Forgive an Entire State

Oh my... when do we really heal? I guess it takes a lifetime to get over some parts of our lives. I don't know. It irritates me to be dealing right now with things that happened 20+ yrs ago, things I thought I were pretty much past. I guess this shows me AGAIN... unresolved issues have a way of coming back. You may have *thought* they were resolved, but what the hell do you know anyway?

Well my issue right now is pretty weird to me, and how it surfaces is weirder. My brother and his little family have announce they are moving back to the state where he grew up. It's part finances, part family... they just want to give it a shot somewhere they think they can move ahead and be happy. Sweet. I'm all for that.

I also lived there for a time, though not as long as my brother... and my experience was markedly different from his. When we moved there I was about 12 and he was 4. Our parents had just divorced and we moved to be close to our mother's family. Moving from the bay area of CA to the center of the Midwest, well, culturally it couldn't have been more different. And while we were surrounded by extended family (they all live in one town), neither of us ever felt a part of that family. Still don't.

In short, my 6 years living there was pure pain and torture. I thank poetry and meditation for keeping me from going completely nutso... rather than barely functional as I was. It was close sometimes. But I made it to 18 and immediately fled back to CA where I continue to flourish. 

Recently I have reconnected with some friends from high school, and it's done plenty to remind me of the fun times I did have there. And jeesh, I left there 20 yrs ago... I go back to visit my mom every year or two, but over time my hatred for the area has subsided to a dull dislike.

At least that's what I thought. Until my brother announced his relocation to the place... well, it's weird. I can't stop crying whenever I think about it. At first I figured I just needed to get over the shock of it. But I've known for weeks now, and it hasn't backed off. I don't just tear up a little either. I sob. It's been freaking me out a bit.

A) Because I really do wish them well. Of course I'm sad to see them go out of driving range... but I currently only see them a few times per year. That will probably not change much.

and B) Because I couldn't figure out why I was freaking out so bad. It's coming completely from deep inside... not a result of thinking this or that about the move. Just pure emotion.


So yesterday I sat down and really contemplated what's happening... first just trying to ID the emotions I've been feeling when I start to freak out. And what I can equate the feeling to is a break up. I feel dumped. Not in my rational mind, of course, but just purely the emotions. It's part jealousy and part abandonment, I guess. That's the only way I can describe it.

And when I tried to translate that into the situation (because it didn't' make a bit of sense at first)... it comes back to my feelings of anger toward (my experience in) the state itself. I have always had a sort of Us vs Them attitude about it... my brother is now switching sides. My side is pretty lonely now, and not only that but I'll have to visit the enemy camp more often.

Somehow this has dug up my resentment toward the state. And if I'm going to be ok with my bro switching sides, I'm going to have to adjust my view of Them being the Enemy. To put it simply, I have to forgive the state for abusing me. That's exactly it. I suffered and nobody came to my aid... I felt abused and abandoned and maybe I never realized exactly what I felt until now.

What's shocking to me is that I didn't know I still felt so strongly about it.

This whole experience is amazing to me.

Now I am 40

Ok, yeah... that's a good title I guess. I am 40. ha. I was saying to my little brother who just had his first kid (the day before my birthday!)... that the difference between being 39 and being 40 is similar to the difference between being pregnant and having a child. You know it's coming, but the actual jump is pretty surreal and trippy. You're in your 30s, in your 30s, blah blah... boom! 40!

I had a great birthday week. Fabulous. Full of friends and celebrations and neato gifts... I took walks and read and hung out with myself in positive ways. I really thought hard about what turning 40 means to me, since I seem to be so conflicted or affected by it. I decided it's really a door to the adult part of my life. I mean, I spent all my teens and 20s seeking and figuring myself out... then much of my 30s trying to accept the faults that 'figuring out' didn't fix. Now it feels like time to drop all that and face forward. Move on. Do some shit... without fear or guilt or whatever head trips keep me immature in some weird ways. Use all that wisdom I have earned over 40 (gulp) years and Really move ahead.

I'm not exactly sure what that means yet... but it's a strong feeling.

A part of me feels like I failed at the goals I set in the beginning of this Winter. Well I did, as far as not doing things daily and regularly as I knew I should. But I did achieve my goal of feeling really great for my birthday. I mean, my first niece born almost right on my birthday. And I'm planning on getting married this year. I'm not working a day job, but we are ok for now w/ $$ and I am able to work on my artwork and business stuff much more. It's a good time. Feels good.

something I'm realizing... even though I don't feel exactly like I wanted to when I started, like I remember feeling during those magical years... I feel much better. More connected. More aware. And I see that maybe I will never feel the same as I did before. I will never be that same person exactly... in the same exact circumstances. This is how I feel now and I'm healthier than when I started.

I'm also seeing that I might need to accept the fact that Jan & Feb are cave months. It's winter, hibernation time. Now I know I can be more active during this time... but there is a feeling of home and moving slowly that just goes with winter for me. It doesn't have to be depressing.

Haha well this ended up being my journal entry for the day. Long and rambling...

Confessions of the Semi-Awakened

Notice I haven't been posting much? Yeah me too. In fact, a few hours ago I sat down here at this very html editor to fess up to how poorly I've been doing with my list. After I got sick around Christmas & New Years... I've had a hard time getting back into the walking outside essential part of my Awakening plan.

And we all know, when the sun comes out and we stay inside... we are (you got it) in The Cave. Hell, even when it's storming and raining (maybe especially then, cuz it's so easy), if I stay in my pjs for a few days... Cave.

Anyway... a couple hours ago, I sat here to rag on myself about how crappily I have done etc etc. But as I stared at the writing area, I just couldn't do it. I thought, "this is dumb. I can talk shit about myself, or I can just freakin go outside." Actually I said it outloud, as I tend to do. And I got up and got my stuff together to go for a walk... admittedly, after some pacing and removing and re-donning my jacket, I did go. lol. sigh.

We had a nice chilly walk at the waterfront. Then to reward myself for being out in the world, we stopped at the fabric store on the way home. I've been wanting to make a new outside dog bed, so I challenged myself to get all the stuff for it using the cash I had in my wallet... and I still have $3 left! That was fun.

Ok, so in conclusion... PARTS of my awakening plan are a bit lax right now, but OTHER parts are working quite well (I didn't talk much about those parts, good topic for tomorrow I guess). Now, I must find an amusing photo that illustrates how I feel or something.

Journal

Oh we must journal! So essential to the healing and centering process. It's an effort for me to do it these days, because mostly my life is strife-free. I'm quite happy overall. I tend to really use my journal when I am in termoil. But, there were many years when I was in the habit of journaling nearly every day or at least weekly. Funny, but I was so habitual about journaling at the coffee shop... it became hard for me to do it anywhere else. Now, I have my physical journal and also one on the compy.

Journaling is so important... because it's like therapy. The biggest benefit I think, is getting those repetitive negative thoughts out of my head. It's easier to see their relatively small weight next to really important things. Does that make sense? hm. Well for instance, this morning I did an exercise that really helps my perspective on myself... listed everything good about me and my life. No qualifiers, no except/if/but, just the good stuff. Try that. It's a long list! When I do that, I can give less weight to those things I beat myself up over. They are relatively dumb and small. And it's just good to remind myself of the whole package... mostly pretty awesome.

The other reason journaling is important, is that when you write every day about the same dumb whiny thing... it loses power. I mean, jeesh. I get tired of writing about it... "what? this again? get over it." I start to feel silly and bored by it, and so I move on.

And for the more involved topics of concern, writing can really work them out. After you write all the basics over and over, new things come out. New solutions, new feelings... things that might not surface if you just repeat the mantras in your head. Even writing about mundane things or random thoughts can reveal creative ideas and solutions that seem to come from nowhere. It's great.

There is a sort of release from putting thoughts on paper. Much like making a list frees your mind of tasks... journaling frees your mind of negative thoughts. Now that they are safely recorded over there, I can move on to something more constructive.

Such as I will do now... later.

Be Careful What You Wish For

I know I wrote about this in my old blog a few years ago... but I just watched The Secret, so here I go again. I had read about and heard about The Secret when it first came out, and never watched it because I already know that stuff. Or believed it anyway, my own way... because I have seen it. The law of attraction. Still, it was good to see their little rules and methods laid out clearly.

I am thinking of some of my past experiences that led me to believe you get what you ask for in life.

Well, one general thing I've lived by is to not dwell on my fears too much, because scary things are drawn to you by your thinking so hard on them. Specifically, for me anyway, regarding danger and dangerous cercumstances. I have traveled alone in big cities at night, camped alone in secluded areas, actually I'm happy to do just about anything by myself. Even in some sketchy circumstances, my instincts said to clear my mind of any fears and act with confidence. This has served me well. I just really believe, if I sit there fretting about being mugged or whatever bad things can happen to me... that energy is more readily drawn to me. Also, I just refuse to go through my life afraid. Period. I will go where I wish, and do what I like.

Conversely, I have met women who say 'oh I could never do that, I'd be too afraid' even when discussing living alone, nevermind traveling alone in a strange place. And I find it almost offensive to my senses... just a foreign concept I guess. How can you live that way? No fun.

As I write this, however... I can think of smaller, less obvious fears that I HAVE allowed to hold me back from things. Much more mundane things. That also is offensive to me, but they are so small it's easier to dismiss them I suppose. I need to ponder that for a while...

Ok well back to getting what I've asked for... lol. The biggest thing I can point to right now is my boyfriend. Er, fiance. I have routinely in my life had 3-5 years between serious boyfriends, during which time I have pretty actively dated. The last period, before meeting Mr. Wonderful was during that time of magic I mentioned a while back. I finally got to a place where, after each breakup (it was almost always 2 wks or 2 months) I would assess the situation and the man... and catalog what was shown to Not Work for me. That is to say, each man I thought I was crazy about turned out to show me something I Do Not Want in my next relationship. And so I would ask for the next thing I wanted, get it, then revise my request.

At one point, I decided what a wanted was a man in a big truck with a good job. I had never really thought guys w/ big trucks were attractive... but after a zillion homeless artists and musicians, I decided that's what I wanted. I was working in job where I met plenty of them and they seemed to be stable and work hard and so I asked. I want a guy with a big truck and a good job.

Then I met Will. He had a big truck and worked as a roofer. And man did we have some chemistry! Whew. We were hot and heavy for a while and I thought this was it. I asked and I recieved and woopy. lol. But actually, this was a dangerous man with scary friends... felons. It was weeks before I realized many of his tattoos were about white supremacy. While we were dating Will actually got stabbed. And just a few weeks after I cut the stitches from his wounds, he cheated on me and dumped me on my answering machine.

So, I said... let me be much more specific. I want a man with a big truck and a good job... who is caring, supportive, has never been to jail, is not an artist or musician, and is a woodworker.

A few months later I met Mr. Wonderful who is exactly all these things (including the woodworking!). I had faith that he existed, and didn't settle for anyone less. Really I think that's all it takes. If you don't believe things can be better, well good luck. lol.

Ok I'm going off here. Just one more illustration... my most famous story like this, was when I first left my day job to persue my art biz. It was almost against my will, but my boss freaked way out on me one day, so I walked. First time in my life I walked out on a good job. I was in shock, but soon realized that I was completely free and now was the time to really go after my goals. I didn't quite make a living doing my arts... but what did happen those first weeks after quitting was pretty amazing.

People sent me money. Hundreds of dollars I had forgotten about or didn't know about. I first got a check in the mail from the utility company, a refund of a deposit I had put down over a year before. Sweet! That reminded me that I had put another deposit down in my previous living situation, so I called my ex and got that money back too.

Then, I was vending at a craft show and a show promotor from another venue walked up to me and said, "I owe you money, let me write you a check." This was for fees I had paid, but then didn't actually do the shows... normally you don't get that back, so I hadn't expected a refund at all. But he insisted, so I took the check.

Then, my aunt in the midwest had been looking around on those lost money websites, and found my name. Somewhere, there was money from my childhood bank account, which had been forgotten during my parents' divorce in the 80s. Boom, they send me a check with interest!

Now, I don't remember asking for money at that time. but I do remember thinking, ok here we go... somehow I have to make this all work and still pay my rent. And I did.

So now I need to get that all working again. Clarity is important here, so I really need to be meditating and journaling regularly. We know this. To feel connected, to really ask for what I want... meditation & writing are key.

Knowing what you want is the hard part, getting it is relatively easy.

It's a New Year, Baby!

Ok I'm back. Jeesh. What a trippy little holiday period here. Overall, pretty relaxed and problem free... but I caught a nasty cold 2 days before Christmas and I'm just now starting to feel like myself again. I think the inactivity and crappy feeling overtook my mental state for a couple days, no real reason to get all grumpy. I'm still coughing, but I think I finally snapped out of the little funk I've been in. This morning I made my coffee to-go and forced the Male to go to beach w/ me and the dog. I knew it would help shake off our grumpiness. And it did. ha.

I'm still very excited and contemplative about the new year. I've been reading, making lists and looking at calendars and I feel good knowing I have a real plan developing.

So next week I'll be working on Etsy listings the first part of the week, then moving our office to a bigger room thur & fri. Getting the office set up is going to help us get our piles in order and I aim to use my superior officegirl skills to keep them that way. So funny, the complete separation of officegirl Me and businessgirl/home Me. lol. Anyway, I'll be the house secretary and aid in the overall sanity of the household. I can do that.