Remember When I Was Sane?

Not just partially sane, as in functional. But, really clear and (seriously) high on life. Wow. Those were a few killer years. As I look back, I think a few things...

Well, it took me a while to figure... but I believe that was just me being un-depressed. Completely happy and satisfied. Not only that but eager and excited to get up every morning. It was almost disgusting how well adjusted I was. And there was certainly negativity in my life, changes, lost loves, all the usual stuff. But I was in such a calm and learning space. I would be upset, journal it out and move on. Just really healthy.

Similarly, when I reflect on those years, I think about what the magical combination was to bring about such clarity. What was I doing then that I'm not doing now? It pretty much comes down to The List of Sanity. I was doing all of those things with regularity. Especially the exercise and people parts, probably my most challenging items. I had to admit finally that connecting with people on a regular basis (rather than avoiding them as is my natural inclination) is very healing for me. Supportive.

During those days, I went to see a band weekly (dancing, music) where a following of friends had formed (connecting). I also would walk the beach at least 2-3 times a week (great exercise, meditating, nature). As many days as I could, I would spend mornings at the coffee shop w/ my journal. I was also just starting up my business, so I was in super-creative mode... along with the excitement of realizing my dream of starting my business... this all added up to some very magic time.

Seems pretty simple when I lay it out this way. It is, really.

Simple.

Now let's get on with it!

Day Off

Ok I give up. I need a day off. I was trying to feel lame and guilty about not wanting to move or go anywhere today... but no.

I certainly have errands and walks and whatnots that should be done today. But really, I've been working hard every day for a week. First preparing for, then showing in a holiday craft fair. As I like to say to my workaholic boyfriend, it's ok to take a day to do nothing. It's called rest.


so I am now officially having guilt free r&r.

ha.

Go Outside

So simple. But so difficult to do from The Cave. The whole idea of cave dwelling is to stay in it. It's dark and comfy in your pjs all day. Who wants to deal with anyone out there? not me.

My plan has been working so far on the Go Outside point. My daily routine has been to leave the house for a dog walk before noon (ok almost daily, but it's pretty much a routine anyway). I am only going somewhere pretty to walk the dog. I don't have to prepare or look cute or think much about it. I choose places that will be mostly deserted, so no human interaction is necessary. It is only to go outside somewhere pretty. It's not such a difficult task.

And let me say that doing this alone lightens my mood more every day. I try to be meditative about it, not thinking but just looking at the trees and clouds an birdies. Trying to soak it all into my soul. I breathe deeply and try to move all the parts of my body. It feels great.


Afterwards, I might have an errand to run on the way home. This helps me pick a part of town for my walks, and also makes me feel like I've really gotten things done. Home by noon? Lookit me! I remember to pat myself on the back for all those days I couldn't leave the house at all... waking up baby!

I am really making this a priority on The List. I need to get a good daily routine set up now, before the rains and the real darkness. I really believe that going outside, going into nature, moving around... these are key in the first steps out of The Cave. Just stepping out to the back yard, facing the sun and standing for a few minutes can really make me smile. Smelling the grass, hearing the birdies, warming the face... that is good stuff. It's called being out in the world.

Stupid Money

Already the fear is starting. How will I make up for my lost income? It's winter, my slowest time for sales... of course I knew this when I quit my job. I know I'll be ok for a few months. And so far I've been able to stave off that stupid fear of money, and instead have felt eager and hopeful for all the possibilities coming. I still feel good.

But that icky feeling of not being able to make it on my own creeps in. And pokes me when I sleep. That fear and preoccupation with income can really upset my creativity and power overall. I can get so involved in the business side of things that I don't do the actual artwork. The basis of all my good intentions and happiness. Sigh.

But no. I won't give in. I have a few good months of creative and healing work to do before the whole money thing comes into effect. I have yet to start meditating regularly, and that will help MUCH in my peaceful and clear outlook.

Anyway, I just got a call from one of my retail stores for an order. I have another week of playing with art before my last craft show of the season. The sun is still out and so the dog walks are easily a daily routine. The house is full of food, the bills are paid. It is all very good.