Wednesday, August 10, 2011

The List is Posted

Okay, I just printed out The List of Sanity and stuck it to the wall above the computer. I keep wandering around muttering 'I don't know what to do,' but really I do know. So well, I made a list. Maybe what I should DO is follow my own advice.

So, let's see... what on this list *have* I been doing? Let's get a little more positive here. I have been listening to music, eating fairly decently, connecting and more or less journaling. Okay. That's something anyway. I feel like I need to do some serious creative play... as that really is the key for me. And learning. So, some new art project that doesn't have to be sold or marketed would be healing I think. No I know that. But what...

What. Ever.

Okay. Something has to change here. It's getting ridiculous, this cave thing. It's pretty much taken over my life... I now am barely functional and it seems looking back like it's been a couple years of this. Zero motivation. It's almost maddening. Well, wait... if I really couldn't stand it, I'd change it. Right? Yeah. So, I have been looking at why I am so still and unproductive as a default state these days. And what keeps coming to mind is a time in my life around the age of 10. That's when I started my depression I think... and the depressing behaviors of The Cave.

Back when I was about 10 yrs old was when my world started getting weird and painful. My parents separated for the second and last time. My dad immediately moved in his secret girlfriend and her kid, and the bunch of us moved to another town. That time was like torture. I remember waking up and crying when I would hear my dad leave for work. My (eventually) step-sister was a total bully and fucked with us all the time. My step mother was also mean and strict. My dad mostly ignored us.

So when Mom decided to move back to the midwest, we two kids went with her... and I was relieved. Until I started Jr. High as that weird kid from Cali and new string of tortures. Dad decided he didn't like us far away and so didn't pay support. We were very poor and it was such a difficult time for my Mom too.

During that time, I see now that I got very depressed and never really came out of it. The behaviors are the same... I would hide out in the house and eat. Get home from school and it was a game of how much junk can I eat before Mom gets home. I catch myself doing the same thing now. When I'm home alone, I can eat for lengths of time and not even notice. I've replaced the TV with the computer... but the feelings are the same. Boredom, sadness, lone... loneliness.

Oops, just broke down and cried there. I guess we are getting somewhere with this line of thought.