Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Confessions of the Semi-Awakened

Notice I haven't been posting much? Yeah me too. In fact, a few hours ago I sat down here at this very html editor to fess up to how poorly I've been doing with my list. After I got sick around Christmas & New Years... I've had a hard time getting back into the walking outside essential part of my Awakening plan.

And we all know, when the sun comes out and we stay inside... we are (you got it) in The Cave. Hell, even when it's storming and raining (maybe especially then, cuz it's so easy), if I stay in my pjs for a few days... Cave.

Anyway... a couple hours ago, I sat here to rag on myself about how crappily I have done etc etc. But as I stared at the writing area, I just couldn't do it. I thought, "this is dumb. I can talk shit about myself, or I can just freakin go outside." Actually I said it outloud, as I tend to do. And I got up and got my stuff together to go for a walk... admittedly, after some pacing and removing and re-donning my jacket, I did go. lol. sigh.

We had a nice chilly walk at the waterfront. Then to reward myself for being out in the world, we stopped at the fabric store on the way home. I've been wanting to make a new outside dog bed, so I challenged myself to get all the stuff for it using the cash I had in my wallet... and I still have $3 left! That was fun.

Ok, so in conclusion... PARTS of my awakening plan are a bit lax right now, but OTHER parts are working quite well (I didn't talk much about those parts, good topic for tomorrow I guess). Now, I must find an amusing photo that illustrates how I feel or something.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010


Oh we must journal! So essential to the healing and centering process. It's an effort for me to do it these days, because mostly my life is strife-free. I'm quite happy overall. I tend to really use my journal when I am in termoil. But, there were many years when I was in the habit of journaling nearly every day or at least weekly. Funny, but I was so habitual about journaling at the coffee shop... it became hard for me to do it anywhere else. Now, I have my physical journal and also one on the compy.

Journaling is so important... because it's like therapy. The biggest benefit I think, is getting those repetitive negative thoughts out of my head. It's easier to see their relatively small weight next to really important things. Does that make sense? hm. Well for instance, this morning I did an exercise that really helps my perspective on myself... listed everything good about me and my life. No qualifiers, no except/if/but, just the good stuff. Try that. It's a long list! When I do that, I can give less weight to those things I beat myself up over. They are relatively dumb and small. And it's just good to remind myself of the whole package... mostly pretty awesome.

The other reason journaling is important, is that when you write every day about the same dumb whiny thing... it loses power. I mean, jeesh. I get tired of writing about it... "what? this again? get over it." I start to feel silly and bored by it, and so I move on.

And for the more involved topics of concern, writing can really work them out. After you write all the basics over and over, new things come out. New solutions, new feelings... things that might not surface if you just repeat the mantras in your head. Even writing about mundane things or random thoughts can reveal creative ideas and solutions that seem to come from nowhere. It's great.

There is a sort of release from putting thoughts on paper. Much like making a list frees your mind of tasks... journaling frees your mind of negative thoughts. Now that they are safely recorded over there, I can move on to something more constructive.

Such as I will do now... later.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Be Careful What You Wish For

I know I wrote about this in my old blog a few years ago... but I just watched The Secret, so here I go again. I had read about and heard about The Secret when it first came out, and never watched it because I already know that stuff. Or believed it anyway, my own way... because I have seen it. The law of attraction. Still, it was good to see their little rules and methods laid out clearly.

I am thinking of some of my past experiences that led me to believe you get what you ask for in life.

Well, one general thing I've lived by is to not dwell on my fears too much, because scary things are drawn to you by your thinking so hard on them. Specifically, for me anyway, regarding danger and dangerous cercumstances. I have traveled alone in big cities at night, camped alone in secluded areas, actually I'm happy to do just about anything by myself. Even in some sketchy circumstances, my instincts said to clear my mind of any fears and act with confidence. This has served me well. I just really believe, if I sit there fretting about being mugged or whatever bad things can happen to me... that energy is more readily drawn to me. Also, I just refuse to go through my life afraid. Period. I will go where I wish, and do what I like.

Conversely, I have met women who say 'oh I could never do that, I'd be too afraid' even when discussing living alone, nevermind traveling alone in a strange place. And I find it almost offensive to my senses... just a foreign concept I guess. How can you live that way? No fun.

As I write this, however... I can think of smaller, less obvious fears that I HAVE allowed to hold me back from things. Much more mundane things. That also is offensive to me, but they are so small it's easier to dismiss them I suppose. I need to ponder that for a while...

Ok well back to getting what I've asked for... lol. The biggest thing I can point to right now is my boyfriend. Er, fiance. I have routinely in my life had 3-5 years between serious boyfriends, during which time I have pretty actively dated. The last period, before meeting Mr. Wonderful was during that time of magic I mentioned a while back. I finally got to a place where, after each breakup (it was almost always 2 wks or 2 months) I would assess the situation and the man... and catalog what was shown to Not Work for me. That is to say, each man I thought I was crazy about turned out to show me something I Do Not Want in my next relationship. And so I would ask for the next thing I wanted, get it, then revise my request.

At one point, I decided what a wanted was a man in a big truck with a good job. I had never really thought guys w/ big trucks were attractive... but after a zillion homeless artists and musicians, I decided that's what I wanted. I was working in job where I met plenty of them and they seemed to be stable and work hard and so I asked. I want a guy with a big truck and a good job.

Then I met Will. He had a big truck and worked as a roofer. And man did we have some chemistry! Whew. We were hot and heavy for a while and I thought this was it. I asked and I recieved and woopy. lol. But actually, this was a dangerous man with scary friends... felons. It was weeks before I realized many of his tattoos were about white supremacy. While we were dating Will actually got stabbed. And just a few weeks after I cut the stitches from his wounds, he cheated on me and dumped me on my answering machine.

So, I said... let me be much more specific. I want a man with a big truck and a good job... who is caring, supportive, has never been to jail, is not an artist or musician, and is a woodworker.

A few months later I met Mr. Wonderful who is exactly all these things (including the woodworking!). I had faith that he existed, and didn't settle for anyone less. Really I think that's all it takes. If you don't believe things can be better, well good luck. lol.

Ok I'm going off here. Just one more illustration... my most famous story like this, was when I first left my day job to persue my art biz. It was almost against my will, but my boss freaked way out on me one day, so I walked. First time in my life I walked out on a good job. I was in shock, but soon realized that I was completely free and now was the time to really go after my goals. I didn't quite make a living doing my arts... but what did happen those first weeks after quitting was pretty amazing.

People sent me money. Hundreds of dollars I had forgotten about or didn't know about. I first got a check in the mail from the utility company, a refund of a deposit I had put down over a year before. Sweet! That reminded me that I had put another deposit down in my previous living situation, so I called my ex and got that money back too.

Then, I was vending at a craft show and a show promotor from another venue walked up to me and said, "I owe you money, let me write you a check." This was for fees I had paid, but then didn't actually do the shows... normally you don't get that back, so I hadn't expected a refund at all. But he insisted, so I took the check.

Then, my aunt in the midwest had been looking around on those lost money websites, and found my name. Somewhere, there was money from my childhood bank account, which had been forgotten during my parents' divorce in the 80s. Boom, they send me a check with interest!

Now, I don't remember asking for money at that time. but I do remember thinking, ok here we go... somehow I have to make this all work and still pay my rent. And I did.

So now I need to get that all working again. Clarity is important here, so I really need to be meditating and journaling regularly. We know this. To feel connected, to really ask for what I want... meditation & writing are key.

Knowing what you want is the hard part, getting it is relatively easy.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

It's a New Year, Baby!

Ok I'm back. Jeesh. What a trippy little holiday period here. Overall, pretty relaxed and problem free... but I caught a nasty cold 2 days before Christmas and I'm just now starting to feel like myself again. I think the inactivity and crappy feeling overtook my mental state for a couple days, no real reason to get all grumpy. I'm still coughing, but I think I finally snapped out of the little funk I've been in. This morning I made my coffee to-go and forced the Male to go to beach w/ me and the dog. I knew it would help shake off our grumpiness. And it did. ha.

I'm still very excited and contemplative about the new year. I've been reading, making lists and looking at calendars and I feel good knowing I have a real plan developing.

So next week I'll be working on Etsy listings the first part of the week, then moving our office to a bigger room thur & fri. Getting the office set up is going to help us get our piles in order and I aim to use my superior officegirl skills to keep them that way. So funny, the complete separation of officegirl Me and businessgirl/home Me. lol. Anyway, I'll be the house secretary and aid in the overall sanity of the household. I can do that.