Wednesday, April 7, 2010

How to Forgive an Entire State

Oh my... when do we really heal? I guess it takes a lifetime to get over some parts of our lives. I don't know. It irritates me to be dealing right now with things that happened 20+ yrs ago, things I thought I were pretty much past. I guess this shows me AGAIN... unresolved issues have a way of coming back. You may have *thought* they were resolved, but what the hell do you know anyway?

Well my issue right now is pretty weird to me, and how it surfaces is weirder. My brother and his little family have announce they are moving back to the state where he grew up. It's part finances, part family... they just want to give it a shot somewhere they think they can move ahead and be happy. Sweet. I'm all for that.

I also lived there for a time, though not as long as my brother... and my experience was markedly different from his. When we moved there I was about 12 and he was 4. Our parents had just divorced and we moved to be close to our mother's family. Moving from the bay area of CA to the center of the Midwest, well, culturally it couldn't have been more different. And while we were surrounded by extended family (they all live in one town), neither of us ever felt a part of that family. Still don't.

In short, my 6 years living there was pure pain and torture. I thank poetry and meditation for keeping me from going completely nutso... rather than barely functional as I was. It was close sometimes. But I made it to 18 and immediately fled back to CA where I continue to flourish. 

Recently I have reconnected with some friends from high school, and it's done plenty to remind me of the fun times I did have there. And jeesh, I left there 20 yrs ago... I go back to visit my mom every year or two, but over time my hatred for the area has subsided to a dull dislike.

At least that's what I thought. Until my brother announced his relocation to the place... well, it's weird. I can't stop crying whenever I think about it. At first I figured I just needed to get over the shock of it. But I've known for weeks now, and it hasn't backed off. I don't just tear up a little either. I sob. It's been freaking me out a bit.

A) Because I really do wish them well. Of course I'm sad to see them go out of driving range... but I currently only see them a few times per year. That will probably not change much.

and B) Because I couldn't figure out why I was freaking out so bad. It's coming completely from deep inside... not a result of thinking this or that about the move. Just pure emotion.

So yesterday I sat down and really contemplated what's happening... first just trying to ID the emotions I've been feeling when I start to freak out. And what I can equate the feeling to is a break up. I feel dumped. Not in my rational mind, of course, but just purely the emotions. It's part jealousy and part abandonment, I guess. That's the only way I can describe it.

And when I tried to translate that into the situation (because it didn't' make a bit of sense at first)... it comes back to my feelings of anger toward (my experience in) the state itself. I have always had a sort of Us vs Them attitude about it... my brother is now switching sides. My side is pretty lonely now, and not only that but I'll have to visit the enemy camp more often.

Somehow this has dug up my resentment toward the state. And if I'm going to be ok with my bro switching sides, I'm going to have to adjust my view of Them being the Enemy. To put it simply, I have to forgive the state for abusing me. That's exactly it. I suffered and nobody came to my aid... I felt abused and abandoned and maybe I never realized exactly what I felt until now.

What's shocking to me is that I didn't know I still felt so strongly about it.

This whole experience is amazing to me.

No comments:

Post a Comment