Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Now I am 40

Ok, yeah... that's a good title I guess. I am 40. ha. I was saying to my little brother who just had his first kid (the day before my birthday!)... that the difference between being 39 and being 40 is similar to the difference between being pregnant and having a child. You know it's coming, but the actual jump is pretty surreal and trippy. You're in your 30s, in your 30s, blah blah... boom! 40!

I had a great birthday week. Fabulous. Full of friends and celebrations and neato gifts... I took walks and read and hung out with myself in positive ways. I really thought hard about what turning 40 means to me, since I seem to be so conflicted or affected by it. I decided it's really a door to the adult part of my life. I mean, I spent all my teens and 20s seeking and figuring myself out... then much of my 30s trying to accept the faults that 'figuring out' didn't fix. Now it feels like time to drop all that and face forward. Move on. Do some shit... without fear or guilt or whatever head trips keep me immature in some weird ways. Use all that wisdom I have earned over 40 (gulp) years and Really move ahead.

I'm not exactly sure what that means yet... but it's a strong feeling.

A part of me feels like I failed at the goals I set in the beginning of this Winter. Well I did, as far as not doing things daily and regularly as I knew I should. But I did achieve my goal of feeling really great for my birthday. I mean, my first niece born almost right on my birthday. And I'm planning on getting married this year. I'm not working a day job, but we are ok for now w/ $$ and I am able to work on my artwork and business stuff much more. It's a good time. Feels good.

something I'm realizing... even though I don't feel exactly like I wanted to when I started, like I remember feeling during those magical years... I feel much better. More connected. More aware. And I see that maybe I will never feel the same as I did before. I will never be that same person exactly... in the same exact circumstances. This is how I feel now and I'm healthier than when I started.

I'm also seeing that I might need to accept the fact that Jan & Feb are cave months. It's winter, hibernation time. Now I know I can be more active during this time... but there is a feeling of home and moving slowly that just goes with winter for me. It doesn't have to be depressing.

Haha well this ended up being my journal entry for the day. Long and rambling...

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